Mejibray - DECADANCE - Counting Goats … if I can't be yours -

9 September, wah hari ini aku bertambah satu tahun ya?
Senangkah aku? Entahlah malah rasanya antara sedih, kesal, kecewa, tapi ada sedikit senang juga?
Mau bagaimana lagi beginilah adanya aku.
Tidak enaknya memiliki 'sesuatu' .
Ya guruku konseling berkata aku berbeda, aku aneh ada yg salah dengan pola pikirku.
Beberapa guru, dosen, atau teman berpikir aku cengeng, pendiam, penakut, stress, depresi, atau apalah itu.
Yang kutahu semua emosiku berubah hanya dalam sebentar saja menangis, tertawa, melongo, menghayal, menangis lagi, ketakutan, cemas tiba-tiba, sedikit halusinasi dan lainnya.
Semua keanehan ini, 'sesuatu' itu bernama boderline personality disorder. Aku juga baru tahu namanya sekitar 2 tahunan ini. Apa itu artinya kelainan mental?
Aku tidak berpikir begitu, meski aneh nyatanya beberapa orang survive dan bahkan menonjol. Beberapa yang terkenal dan kukagumi Van Gogh pelukis ternama dan Agatha Christie penulis novel detektif. Satu lagi yang kutahu ya Tsk-san vokalisnya Mejibray. Bener-bener kaget aku membaca salah satu interview dia mengakui dirinya juga memiliki 'sesuatu' itu.
Walau aku berpikir hidupku itu messing and I am just trash.Tapi aku berharap kedepannya aku akan jadi lebih baik dalam hal-hal yang baik. Jika aku lulus kuliah akhirnya, aku ingin belajar lebih jauh tentang psikologi jika memang memungkinkan. Amiin.
Jujur aku tak pandai menjelaskan apa  itu Boderline tapi lirik lagu bikinan Tzk-san di bawah cukup menggambarkan.

 Lyrics: Tsuzuku
 Music: MiA


 "Kishi nenryo" idakitsudzuketa
- I still kept 'suicidal thoughts' inside
  Tarenagashi no namida to "wake"
- Flowing tears and "explanations"
  Zen ka aku, kanjou no control ga kieteyuku
- Good or bad?, my emotional control disappears

 Tsugerareta chiisana kotoba
- Small words said to me
 Nounai wa balance wo kuzushi
- My brain is losing its balance
Shoudouteki yokkyuu ga identity wo maigo ni...
- Impulsive wish to regain my lost identity...
Me wo tojite kazoeteru
- With closed eyes I count
"Kimi e no ai wa nan nichime?"
- "Which day of love I feel to you is this?"
Suterareru...
- Being rejected...
Korosareru...
- Being killed...
"Douse hitori ni naru no sa"
- "In any case, we will become one"

Disorderly... Counting Goats
- Disorderly...Counting Goats
Sacrifice... if I can't be yours
- Sacrifice...if I can't be yours

Shiro to kuro ga kirikae no nou
- My mind changing white into black
Tobimawaru chou wa mabataki setsudan
- Flying around butterfly cuts winking
Mousou to genjitsu no hazama
- Between illusion and reality
Izon shita ima to sachi no koheya
- Small room of happiness, on which I depend
Suterareru to kyoufu suru genjitsu
- The reality in which I fear the rejection
Abiru genjitsu touhi no jouzai ni tou
- Suffering, I ask tablets of escape from reality
Motomeru, kimi e koroshite kure to...
- I ask of you, to kill me…
Mienaku naru naraba kiete yarou to
- If you will disappear, I will also disappear

DECADANCE
- DECADANCE
Kowareteyuku kono karada to seishin sae mo
- This breaking body and soul
Itsuka kimi no katachi ni naru
- Will someday come to be like you
DECADANCE
- DECADANCE
Itsudatsu sareta honnou to dance o odoru
- I dance with my depressed instinct
if I can't be yours
- if I can't be yours
Yami e to Counting Goats
- In the darkness I'm counting goats


Disorderly... Counting Goats
- Disorderly... Counting Goats
Sacrifice... if I can't be yours
- Sacrifice... if I can't be yours



Tozashitsudzukeru genjitsu e tou
- I ask the reality, which is still shut for me
Amai koe to yasuragi ni emi wo
- For smiles in peace and a sweet voice
Kirisaita kako no ayamachi
- Mistakes from the torn past
"Ato nan nen..." to namida to fuan kakae
-"How many years have passed...?", I hold fear and tears inside
Kagamigoshi no taihai wa genjitsuteki de
- Decadence beyond the mirror is realistic
Shuumaku o souzou shite wa zatsuon
- Imagining my last scene (I hear) rasp
Tsugeru, kimi e shinimasu to...
- I say to you, that I'll die ...
Me no mae de kioku ni nokorou to
- That right before your eyes, I’ll turn into a mere memory

Disorderly... Counting Goats
Sacrifice... if I can't be yours

Tada mamoraretai dake nan desu
- I just want to be simply protected
Tada mitsumete hoshii dake nan desu
- I just want you to simply look at me
Tada fuanna dake nan desu
- It's just an anxiety
Seishin no balance ga boroboro de
- I became ragged with mental balance
Ame ga futteta asa dattari
- Morning, when it was raining
Kurukuru to mau kemuri dattari
- The smoke that would curl up in the air
Nagete kowareta mono dattari
- 'Item' has been thrown and broken up
Namida suru kimi ga itoshii no...
- Because it admired you to tears...

DECADANCE
- DECADANCE
Kowareteyuku kono karada to seishin sae mo
- This breaking body and soul
Itsuka kimi no katachi ni naru
- Will someday come to be like you
DECADANCE
- DECADANCE
Itsudatsu sareta honnou to dance o odoru
- I dance with my depressed instinct
if I can't be yours...
- if I can't be yours
Sora wa kyou mo midoriiro de
- Today the sky is also greenish
Kesshite tokeau koto wa nai
- It will never blend
Itsuka mazariaeru naraba
- But if we ever will able to merge
Oware Counting Goats
- I will finish* counting goats (in darkness*)



 SOURCE